Lately I’ve been having both good and bad days.
I don’t know when or why they change from one to the other, I just noticed that they have and it’s sudden. For instance, today: this morning I woke to take my dog out, had a nice and filling breakfast, grabbed a coffee and blared music to sing along to on my way to work. I was feeling good because I finally went to the gym last night for the first time in months. Work was fine, long and slow, but overall can’t complain. By the time I got out of work it was pouring rain. I got home and immediately just wanted to shut myself in my room and lay in bed. Nothing bad happened, my boyfriend greeted me at the door with my puppy as usual, but I just turned from okay to how I act when I’m depressed.
If you have depression you know what I mean. It’s like you want the people to spend time with you and you want to be there with them… but you also don’t at all and can’t wait to get somewhere by yourself and be sad. It’s wanting to eat the take-out sitting on the counter… while not wanting to eat anything at all, so instead you grab some water. It’s feeling like you want to cry… without any understandable reason behind it. It’s feeling unwanted… even though you’re the one who just shut yourself in your room to get away.
It’s so frustrating and I hate that I have to deal with it. I wish I could tear depression from my genes and be the me before I ever had an episode. I hate how it can navigate your life and make you doubt yourself in so many ways. The way it makes your entire being feel heavy yet empty is so exhausting and there’s no logical explanation you can attempt to tell someone who hasn’t dealt with it personally that they’d be able to understand. It’s not that I’m pushing you away… I’m being pushed… down. So far down that I don’t feel worth your time, or love, or kind words telling me that I can make it through it.
But then, there’s days where I can take over the world and feel so confident about my present living situation and future opportunities. Days where I’m happy and have no issue playing for an hour with my puppy on the floor even though it’s the same damn game with the same ball and I can’t understand how she doesn’t get bored… but it’s okay because I’m okay and she just loves me and wants to play. Days where I feel good about my appearance and where I want to write endlessly because my confidence is so high. Days where I reach out to people because I wonder how they’re feeling and how their lives are and what they’ve been up to.
And in a day or so… I’m back to shutting myself out. I hate it. It’s like my life is the climbs and falls of a roller coaster. It takes its sweet time to climb the hill for the good days, and it gets there eventually, then it rushes to the bottom with inertia and gravity and another climb doesn’t happen for quite some time. I wish I knew how to get better, or consciously work on making these bad days into good ones, because I don’t know if I have the strength for it all.
— Lizzie KJ